Kazue Diaries
by DarkPhoenix168
Summary: Yullen. A collection of chapters all based around Kanda and his son, Kazue. Warnings for character death, Mpreg and Yaoi
1. Beginnings

This was supposed to be for Yullen Week, but since I got it going, I thought I'd make it a collection of drabbles for you, the reader.

**Warning: Contains character death and Mpreg**

**AN - I don't own D. Gray - Man**

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The darkened house stood eerily alone at the end of the street, the neighbours having long since abandoned it as foreboding and haunted. The exterior showed no signs of any discrepancy, immaculately taken care of and well groomed by the hired hands, all of which said nothing to the occupant, taking their money after the completion and leaving the man alone.

Similarly, the interior was as immaculate as the exterior, not much was out of place in the wide hallways of the house or in amongst the sparse furniture and spacious rooms, everything new and cleaned by other employees, neither seeing nor speaking to the homeowner. Custom bathrooms and kitchens led to a wide hallway that had rooms on all sides of it, the large door furthest from the front concealed the Master bedroom, the long-haired occupant content in his dreams, his normally stern face relaxed and peaceful.

A shrill cry pierced the night, jolting the sleeping man awake from his slumber, his upper torso lifting off the mattress as his head swiveled around to the large white wooden crib that stood proudly in the corner of his room, a small but dark figure thrashed around in the small bed, tiny fists balled near the chubby cheeks as the kid wailed mercilessly in the darkness of the night.

Groaning, the Japanese readied himself for yet another restless night as he managed to pull himself out of bed slowly, grunting slightly at the strain and exertion it caused him. Pulling himself over to the small child, Kanda gently pulled the railing of the infant's bed all the way down, enabling him to reach in and pull out the crying baby, his arms immediately cradling the infant with such tenderness and care many wouldn't have suspected it was the usually stoic man.

"Shh, now, hush," he crooned gently to his small son, "Daddy's here, daddy's here."

Loud wails reduced to whimpers as a tiny fins found his father's shirt, the little boy wanting nothing more than to be close to the person he loved most.

_Just like his mother._

Kanda delicately stroked the soft dark hair on the crown of his son's head, the colour much like his own save for one small lock of hair that, no matter how often it was cut, would never regrow with any colour other than white. The room was filled with the sound of quiet cries and a soft hushing sound as the father and son kept each other company; a quiet gurgling sound added to the mix, followed swiftly by a chuckle.

"Are you hungry?" Kanda asked his boy softly, a small smile gracing his lips as he grabbed a sling from the post on the crib before sliding it over himself, the baby followed closely behind, whining only once when he was away from his father's warm touch.

"You're just like you're mother," he murmured to the infant, "he had an insatiable appetite too."

"_Oi! Moyashi!"_

"_Wha-"_

_Kanda grumbled as the slight silver-haired man shoveled plate after plate of food in his mouth, his appetite increasing day by day even by his standards._

"_Why are you eating so much?" the Japanese pressed, turning from the dishes to look at Allen squarely in the eyes._

_The smaller of the two swallowed what remained of his scrambled eggs and toast before he answered the other man._

"_I told you, it's a metabolism-"_

"_I do NOT mean that," Kanda snapped, his hand gesturing to stacks of both clean and dirty dishes that lined the kitchen counter of their small apartment, "I meant why are you eating _more."

_A dark flush seeped into Allen's cheeks, his fingers fiddling with his fork as his eyes refused to meet Kanda's, his heart rate accelerating as his words caught in his throat._

"_Actually, Kanda," Allen murmured, silver eyes blooming small tears at their corners, "I have something to tell you."_

Kanda pushed himself away from the room, his wheelchair pulling up little resistance on the wooden flooring. The door opened with ease as the silver handle turned downwards, the wheels backing up and allowing the door to swing open. Pushing his chair down the wide hallways, Kanda moved swiftly over to the kitchen, his body adjusting to settle the child down in a car seat he had settled on the floor, enabling the safety of his small son.

The boy started crying once more when the warmth of his father's arms disappeared, Kanda murmuring kind words to the boy as his hand placed on the child's belly, his fingers moving up the baby to stroke his tear streaked cheeks, a tiny hand reaching out and gripping one long finger the minute it saw the chance. The Japanese felt his throat catch as his finger was caught in the delicate hand, wondering how much longer he would react like this whenever his son grabbed him.

Reluctantly pulling his finger away, Kanda moved over to the stainless steel fridge to fetch the baby a bottle, a pot filled with water placed on the stove and set to heat up while the infused milk was poured into the glass container and put into the pot, long finger setting a timer for the temperature.

Dark cobalt eyes wandered from the kitchen to the vast living room, carpeted floors and soft couches accented with a coffee table and a television.

"_What do you think?"_

_Kanda looked around the room, a mixture of disbelief and uncertainty crossed his face as the young spun around in the vast room._

"_It's big," he commented, his eyes looking upwards at the ceiling and light fixtures, Allen laughing at his words._

"_It's not that big," the laughing one protested, "it's still in our budget range, nice neighbourhood, spacious-"_

"_Did you get that from the brochure?" Kanda asked bluntly._

"_Shut up," Allen grinned, his silver eyes keenly looking over the living room, "the real-estate agent said that this was the _perfect _place for a young couple starting out."_

"_They say that because they make commission on every sale," Kanda pointed out, his long legs making his way over to the smiling man._

"_She also said," Allen murmured, snuggling to Kanda's chest, "that this was a perfect place for the beginnings of a small family."_

_Kanda just chuckled at the final statement, one of the arms around him sliding off his waist, cobalt eyes following the scared skin as it touched the flesh of Allen's stomach, bliss crossing Allen's face as he gently raked his nails over the very small, almost indistinguishable, bump that rested between his hips._

"_I guess so," the deep voice agreed, his own long fingertips joining the red ones to feel the developing fetus._

"_Oh! I haven't even shown you the best part yet!" Allen suddenly exclaimed, grabbing the strong hand in his undamaged one and tugging him alone, "come on!"_

_Kanda laughed as Allen pulled him along like an exited little puppy, the wide smile on his face genuine and so full of happiness it seemed to infect even his stern lover._

A loud buzzing brought Kanda back to the present, unfortunately startling his little child into louder and more frequent whimpers. Quickly turning off the stove, Kanda tested the milk on his wrist, satisfied with the warmness of the fluid for his child. Placing the pot and the water gently inside the sink, Kanda disregarded the entire thing as he leaned over his chair and gently lifted his son up out of the car seat, slipping the small boy into the sling that mothers often wore to keep baby's next to them while they performed mundane tasks such as shopping or cooking.

Kanda moved over to enter the family room, his eyes lingering on the room across from it, his heart weary and still too raw to even go into the room, not while it sat there.

"_Look at this," Allen beamed, throwing his arms wide and open as he stood in the corner of the room, the large sliding glass window illuminated the wood paneled floor and dark green walls._

"_Yes moyashi, I know how small you are, what's your point?" Kanda teased, Allen laughing at him._

"_Ha ha," the white-haired said sarcastically, "you're so damn witty Kanda."_

"_I try," the Japanese chuckled, leaning against the archway that led from the kitchen to the wide room._

"_No, I meant," Allen corrected, "look at how much space is here, I can fit my grand piano in here with ease!"_

_Kanda snorted, "you plan on keeping it? Even with the kid?"_

"_Of course!" Allen told him, "he's going to learn how to play it and everything! He'll be my little Mozart!"_

"_Didn't Mozart die at twenty something?" Kanda pointed out, his grin impossible to get off, "and besides, _my _child is learning kendo, no questions."_

"_I'm not asking you," Allen wagged his finger at Kanda, "I'm telling you, my son will become a famous concert pianist and he will love and adore music, even if his daddy doesn't."_

"_What's all this about a son anyway?" Kanda asked him, "I thought we agreed no gender until the birth."_

"_I just know," Allen told him, his eyes looking down at his stomach in happiness, "I don't know how, I just do."_

Kanda grunted as he lifted both himself and this crying babe onto the large couch, settling on the material comfortably while he removed the sling from his person, holding the child close as he adjusted the bottle the whimpering mouth, the hesitant first sips overtaken by greedy suckling on the rubber mouth of the bottle, his infant son enjoying his midnight dinner. Kanda slowly slipped off the couch and onto the floor, creatively cradling his son in one of his arms as the other held onto the edge of the couch, his abdomen sliding his torso to rest above is lips legs, his hand fixing their position once he settled.

"_I can help." _

_Kanda put the boxes down in the living room as he looked over at the young man lying on the couch, his back against the armrest as his hand lay above his swelling stomach._

"_You are nineteen weeks pregnant," Kanda pointed out, "you are _not _doing _any_ heavy lifting until you are no longer carrying that child."_

_Allen pouted but said nothing, allowing Kanda to press on, "I'm not having you put your sake or the baby's at risk just to lift a few boxes, I had enough of an issue with you carrying in the stool for your piano!"_

"_Yeah yeah," Allen sighed, "I'm still impressed that they managed to get it in the house without so much as a scratch though."_

"_Pity you won't be able to play it for a while," Kanda's voice carried from their bedroom._

_Allen grumbled in annoyance before emitting a slight gasp, his hand covering his stomach protectively._

"_Oi, Moyashi?!"_

_Kanda came running to the living room at the sound of Allen's voice, his cobalt eyes looking worriedly at his lover, Allen's face scrunched in discomfort._

"_It's fine," Allen managed to get out, "he's just – kicking."_

_Kanda sighed in relief, his hand running through his dark locks as his shoulders sagged._

"_Don't scare me like that," he murmured, walking over to his moyashi as Allen took deep breaths to steady himself._

"_Hey," Kanda whispered, his hands over Allen's stomach, the small bumps in the flesh never ceased to send shivers up his spine, "stop kicking, you're causing your mother a lot of pain and he doesn't like that, we're both here."_

_Allen looked over at Kanda with tears blooming in his eyes, the taller of the two on is shins as he leaned over the fetus, crooning it and quieting its kicking._

"_You're gonna be a wonderful father, Yuu," Allen sniffed as Kanda rose up off the floor to hover over Allen._

"_And you'll be a wonderful mother, Aren," Kanda murmured, his lingering accent still made Allen fell full and happy whenever he said his name correctly._

A singular tear fell onto the baby's dark hair, Kanda's free hand shakily touching his cheek as he wiped away more tears that fell unconsciously down his face, his nose sniffing as more of the salty water fell onto his son, one hitting his cheek, disrupting the meal and causing the young child to look up in confusion at his father.

Kanda stared down into the silver orbs of his son, they were purely Allen. Innocent and caring, curious and kind, eyes Kanda wanted nothing to do but to protect them.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, despising how watery his voice sounded as he wiped away his tear from his son's cheek, "daddy didn't mean to cry, d-daddy just-"

A strangled sob cut off his next sentence, his hand clasping his mouth in hopes that he didn't cry in front of his child. His breath came in shaking inhales as his heart clenched at the unfairness of it all, his arm careful to cradle the small boy that gently tugged at his shirt, his eyes wishing that his father would start feeling better.

Calming himself, Kanda reached out and pulled himself back into his wheelchair his son adjusted back into the sling as he pushed them back to their shared room, Kanda shutting the door behind him, not even bothering to return the baby to his crib as he made his way over to his bed, the baby secured in his arms as he pulled himself into his bed, his tears relentless as they began to fall over his cheeks anew, the child in his arms held closer to his body.

"_See, I told you!" Allen snapped as Kanda drove them home, the car slower due to the snow falling lightly around them._

"_I don't care," Kanda snapped, "you felt like you were having the baby, I _had _to take you in!"_

"_But at two in the morning?" Allen protested, "you couldn't have waited until eight?"_

"_If you wanted to go at eight then have the damn false contractions at eight!"_

_Allen huffed indignantly, his mouth opening to continue their argument until Kanda's hand over his stopped him, the long fingers intertwining with his before covering his stomach, the Japanese's thumb stroking his child._

"_I worry about you," Kanda murmured, "I don't want anything to happen to you or the baby."_

_Allen felt tears bloom in his eyes at the sentiment, his lips closing in a smile as he rested his head on Kanda's shoulder, their fingers still intertwined over their child. Kanda looked at him for a brief moment before smiling softly, his dark cobalt eyes dotting around the intersection to see for any signs of danger. Slowly, Kanda made his way across the road, his eyes only seeing the driver when the man had sorted through his drunken senses and turned on his lights, too close for Kanda to do anything but pull Allen against his body in a desperate attempt to save him and his child._

Tears flowed mercilessly as Kanda did his best to quell his sobs, the boy in his arms already asleep, contented with the warm arms around him and a full stomach.

Kanda hated it, the unfairness of it all. It should have been him.

It should have been him who dies, not Allen. He was the one closest to the accident, Allen should be the one raising his child, not him; Kanda felt like a failure in his inadequacy to protect the one of the only people who he had ever returned his love for them. A small cooing sound passed the baby's lips, Kanda immediately worrying that he was holding his infant son too tightly.

The boy had been three months early, Allen's body, in a desperate attempt to save itself, had tried to abort the child, meaning Allen's already broken body was forced into the pains of childbirth, refusing any medication for fear of complications to his child, the young man practically torturing his body for betraying his heart.

Allen had put himself through such agony and torment only to deliver a still born.

The man must've been devastated to discover the death of his precious baby boy. Pulling on what meager reserves of strength he had left, Allen managed to force his failing body to ask for his baby, his only child. Using what little life he had left in him, Allen held the baby close and found a way to give the small infant what was left in him, a miraculous wail pierced the stillness of the operating room as the baby gasped its first lungful of air, Allen managing to bring what little light Kanda had left in the world back to him.

But it came at a price.

_Kanda's eyes blearily opened to bright lights and white ceiling, every inch of is body hurting and aching; every part save for the man's legs. Kanda looked around the room, his neck held fast by a brace, the IV tubes sticking out of his right hand while his left remained securely in a cast, machines beeping to the rhythm of his heart rate._

_His movements had caught the attention of the nurse on the side of is bed, her face mouthing in surprise as she bolted out the door to fetch the doctor. Kanda was rendered confused for a few moments before a tall gentleman in a white lab coat walked into the room, the fake and pitying smile affixed to his lips made Kanda's stomach churn._

"_Wh-who-"_

"_Good day, Mr. Kanda, it's good to see you've finally awakened," the man smiled, "my name is Mr. Kito, I am you doctor."_

"_Wh-what-" Kanda struggled, his throat felt much to scratchy to be able to come up with words._

"_You were in a car accident," his doctor explained, "the driver was drunk, he, unfortunately, did not survive."_

_His words were only half registered to Kanda's mind, the shock made it hard for him to absorb anything the man told him._

"_Regrettably," the doctor cleared his throat, "this has left you with some…complications."_

"_C-Compli-" his dry lips found it hard to move as he listened to the doctor press on._

"_We've sent you through three surgeries already," the man told him calmly, "but you spinal cord was far to damaged in the accident. I'm sorry," the man looked at him with equally pitying eyes, "but you'll never be able to walk again."_

_Kanda felt dread fill his body, the shock of his new surroundings unable to dull the shock of his terrible news. Realization hit him as he became aware of what never using his legs meant. He could never again practice Kendo; he would be confined to a chair for the rest of his life, never talking long walks with Allen ever again._

_Allen._

"_Wh-where's," he struggled, swallowing thickly before he forced himself to go on, "where's Allen?"_

_The man looked stunned for a moment at his question before he took off his glasses and looked away from Kanda for a moment._

"_I'm so sorry to tell you this," he sadly told Kanda, "but Mr. Walker passed away not three hours ago."_

_Kanda said nothing. He was stunned into total silence; his heart felt like it had been stabbed repeatedly with a rough wooden steak, his body unfortunate enough to feel every splinter the attack caused him._

"_Wh-wh," he spluttered, his brain slipping into denial as his breathing increased, his eyes looking anywhere but at the man who had told him that the one person he loved with everything he could had died._

"_N-no," he whispered, tears betraying him as they rolled down his bruised face, "please, no," he began to sob, his unbroken arm covering his mouth as he began to cry openly, his mind unfocused as the doctor silently left him to his grief._

_The next three day had been excruciating, Kanda refused to eat and he barely slept, his visitors, few though they were, could never make eye contact with him. The nurses feared his depression so great that they bound his wrists in straps, hoping to stop whatever attempts of rejoining his lost lover the man might try. In truth, Kanda had considered it countless times after the loss of his beloved. Death would come as a relief to him, no more pitying looks, no more constant reminders that the one he loved was dead._

_On the third day, Kanda stared blankly at the white ceiling when the door slid open, a slim dark eyed nurse rolled in a small tray into his room, Kanda refusing to look at her as he assumed it yet another attempt to force nutrition into his starving body. Slowly, the kind nurse reached down beside the bed and pressed the button that caused his bed to rise, the patient uncaring as to her actions._

"_Mr. Kanda?" she asked him kindly, his dead dark cobalt eyes refusing to look at her despite having his neck brace only needed for nights as of that morning._

"_Would you like to see your son?"_

_His slightly bruised eyes widened at her words, the face turning to her, staring is disbelief as she simply smiled and pulled herself from his bedside and walked over to the small container, stooping for a moment before she retrieved a small bundle swaddled in blue cloth, her arms cradling it as she carefully walked over to him, her mouth smiling as she gently handed the small treasure to Kanda, helping him adjusting his arms around the baby, his eyes never leaving the bundle in her arms the entire time._

_Swallowing, Kanda's undamaged hand pulled down the cloth that concealed his baby's face from him, a smile unconsciously falling onto his mouth, a tear slipping down his face as he felt alive for the first time in what felt like forever._

_His son was beautiful. Dark hair that rivaled his own save for a lock of white hair, gently closed eyes that hid his son's innocence from the world, dark lashed fanning slightly round cheeks with a nose that closely resembled his mother's. Kanda felt his chest swell with a mixture of pride and happiness, sadness finding its place as he realized he didn't want to greet his first born this way. He truly wished that he could be leaning over Allen's bed as the younger man lay sweat streaked and tired, a satisfied look on his face as he cradled his son with happy eyes, Kanda's own hands stroking the babe's chubby cheeks._

"_Did-" Kanda choked on his words as more tears fell from his eyes, "did Allen- get to meet him."_

_The nurse smiled sadly, nodding as she explained what had happened to Allen, the life the selfless man had given up for his child, how happy he looked as his son cried his first few breaths._

"_He murmured something while he held you child," she murmured, "he kept telling us 'Kazue, his name is Kazue.'"_

_Kanda blurted out a laugh at her sentiment, "harmony blessing, huh? That's just what you would do, Allen," he muttered sadly, tears unceasing as he lifted his son to his chest, "but that name suits you, Kazue."_

"_Kazue Kanda then?" the woman smiled._

"_No," Kanda told her, "Kazue Mana Walker. We never married," _'I never got the chance' _Kanda thought bitterly._

"_Then," the woman cut in, "how about this? Kazue Mana Walker-Kanda. It combines both your lasts names for the boy, since he is your son."_

_Kanda mulled over her choice, "it's a long name, isn't it," he told his child softly, the baby beginning to stir in his arms, the infant showing no signs of crying as his eyes fluttered open slowly, all too familiar bright silver eyes met the dark cobalt, words lost on Kanda's lips as he saw his lover in his child, his heart clenched as his quivering lips pulled into a kind smile. "But I think you'll wear it with pride," he murmured, bringing his son's forehead to his lips, teas still pouring out of his eyes as he took in deep shuddering breaths to steady himself around his child._

_The silver eyes searched his, the familiarity of it all made Kanda's heart squeeze before a sudden laugh escaped the tiny lips, his hands shooting out to reach for his father, gripping the front of his parent's hospital gown as Kanda eased the boy back to his chest, laughing along with the boy._

"_You truly are his son," the man murmured, his finger's rubbing against the tender cheek, "I promise you you'll know everything about him, I won't let you forget him."_

Kanda had been discharged from the hospital about a week after the accident, his small son cradled in his arms as he was given a push out the front door by his friends, all of which had become infatuated with the small boy as he gently cradles the only reason he had to live without his lover by his side.

A slight shuffling of pillows was the only other sound in the room to accompany Kanda's sniffles and silent cries. Gently, the father placed his son on the mattress, his arm around the boy but not on top of him out of concern of suffocating the child in the middle of the night.

It shouldn't have been like this, Kanda thought, the two of them should be sharing their room, the baby's cries waking both of them, the young couple arguing about whose turn it was to care for the infant. Kanda should come home from work only to have his small son run into his arms and cling on to his legs as he chatted incessantly about his day or Kanda could walk into the family room and find his white-haired lover on the piano's bench, their child between his legs as the small fingers tried to imitate the larger dancing ones, both silver-eyes laughing at the hilarity of it all.

"I'm sorry," Kanda sobbed quietly, "I'm so sorry Allen. I miss you so much, I-I don't think I can do this on my own, please," the proud man cried softly, his fingers grazing his son's cheek, "please be watch over us."

Kanda's tears eased him into a peaceful sleep, one filled with dreams of his whole little family.

_I will, Yuu…_

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**_Good God I'm_ hormonal...**this is kinda inspired slightly by TamyouRue's stories who, for some odd reason, I can'd find on this site anymore :(

**Read and Review Please**


	2. Sounds

**Hoping that this chapter gets a little more popular this weekend, but what will be will be.**

**AN - I don't own D. Gray - Man**

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Eyes twitched under their lids, rays of sun beating down from the large window overlooking the small garden of flowers that gave the occupant some sort of piece and serenity amongst his otherwise heart wrenching and trying days. Opening his bleary eyes, Kanda stretched his arms tiredly, his head moving around as he took in his surroundings.

A small cooing sound brought Kanda's eyes and attention to the corner of his room, a smile slipping on his lips as he saw a small body lying on its back with his a hand in his mouth, the other tiny fist on the bars as silver eyes looking though the white crib at his father. Pulling his body up, the Japanese quickly reached over to the side of his bed and pulled his chair over to him, his legs lifted into the black seat before he settled in, his wheels moving pushing over to the crib, his hands undoing the notches and pulling the side down, meeting the baby's extended arms and pulling him into his arms.

"Have a good sleep?" Kanda asked his son tenderly, the little fists grasping for his father as the man laughed, raising his son high above his head and smiling up at the giggling flailing boy.

The child had grown quickly in the early four months of his life, the bright smile he developed not two months prior was one that he showed off at every opportunity, though Kanda still disregarded what the nurses said in the hospital; that the smile his son had first shown him when they were introduced wasn't genuine, only a reflex. The gummy smile the child gave was purely Allen, the happiness reaching the silver eyes without difficulty.

Tucking the boy into the sling he always wore, Kanda moved away from their shared room, the baby looking curiously around at his surrounding, his fist still to his mouth as Kanda wheeled the two of them to the kitchen for their breakfast, the bottle warmed in the stove top while Kanda grabbed a simple glass of orange juice from the fridge, his eyes still watching the small boy raise his fist to smack away the toys dangling from an apparatus over the car seat Kanda put him in.

The empty glass was placed in the dishwasher while the bottle was tested for warmth, the father shutting off the stove and wheeling over to the baby, the silver eyes catching movement from the corner of his silver eyes and smiling broadly while he kicked his feet, the chair rocking slightly as he flailed about. Picking up the moving child, Kanda brought them to the living room, his chair placed within arm's reach as he settled onto the carpeted floor, the baby hungrily devouring his breakfast.

"_Kanda."_

"_Mm."_

"_Kanda?"_

"_Mm."_

"_KANDA!"_

"_What?!" the man finally snapped, opening his eyes and rolling over to look at Allen, silver eyes mildly interested in his reaction._

"_I'm hungry."_

_The Japanese sighed, his hand over his eyes._

"_Then get something to eat," he grumbled, turning over to look at the illuminating numbers on his clock, wincing at the bright 2:37am it proudly displayed._

"_I want you to make me something." Allen said simply, poking Kanda's back, the muscle contracting away from him at the contact._

"_No. It's two in the morning and I have to be up for work at six-thirty, let me sleep."_

_Allen pouted at his lover's unwillingness to spoil him._

"_Then don't feed me," the white haired sighed dramatically, "feed your child."_

_Allen saw Kanda's head roll over to look at him out of the corner of his eyes, their dark cobalt slightly narrowed due to lack of sleep and frustration._

"_Just how long are you going to use that excuse on me?"_

_The pregnant man just giggled, "as long as it works."_

_The elder stilled for a moment, his eyes wandering to the swelling belly and his unborn child, silence ensuing before he sighed exasperatedly._

"_What do you want?" he grumbled, stripping the sheets off him and slipping out of bed._

_Allen contemplated his options for a moment and how far he could push the Japanese man before settling on the dish of his choosing._

"_Chocolate Cake!"_

_Cobalt eyes stared at Allen for a moment longer, Kanda gripping the sheets and sliding back under the covers his back to Allen as his head hit the pillow._

"_Kanda~"_

"_No."_

"_But-"_

"_I don't care HOW badly you're craving it," Kanda snapped, "I am not driving out to the fucking store in the middle of the damn night for chocolate cake!"_

"_But can't the baby have whatever he wants?" Allen purred, smirking when he saw Kanda tense slightly at his words, his lover's face rolling over to see him in the darkness of the night._

"_The baby can have whatever it wants," Kanda told him, "when his mother gets his lazy ass OUT of bed."_

_The pregnant man pouted, "but Yuu~"_

"_No."_

_Allen gritted his teeth slightly before sighing._

"_Then," he asked quietly, "can I have some chocolate ice cream?"_

_An exasperated sigh emanated from the other side of the bed, Kanda silently rising from the bed and leaving their room, his feet padding softly down the hallway, Allen's heart sinking as he suspected his lover was going to sleep in the guest bedroom as he had on occasion when he often shuffled in the middle of night, the baby making his sleep patterns irregular. Rolling over, the white haired shuffled around under the sheets, the large bed uncomfortably empty without the Japanese._

"_Here."_

_Silver eyes flung open at the sound of a ceramic bowl touching the wood of his bedside table, the metal spoon rattling around in the dish only slightly as it was gently placed beside him. Raising his head, Allen watched as Kanda walked around their bed and slid under the covers, hopefully for the last time in the night._

"_Kanda."_

"_Hm?"_

_A gentle hand touched his shoulder and began to rub soothing circles on the center of his back._

"_Thank You."_

A small gurgling sound and pushing at his chest told Kanda that his son had drank his fill, the bottle removed from his lips and placed on the high side table next to the couch, his baby adjusted in his arms as long fingers reached for the box in the small compartment of said table and pulled it out, various soft toys including large, multi-coloured cubes, a large blanket for him to lie on, plushies and an apparatus much like the one suspended over his car seat. Slipping he blanket on the floor, Kanda gently placed the small activity gym on the floor, adjusting his child to lie on his back, the entrapping silver eyes looking up at the dangling objects and laughing as his hands hit the plush objects.

A deep chuckle escaped Kanda's lips, his own hands reaching in to the drawer and pulling out his novel, the bookmark only halfway through the long story as he was constantly fretting over his immoveable son, the baby never doing anything other than laughing and finding new ways to play with something. Flipping open the book, the Japanese searched for the words he recognized and began to read the words carefully printed on the page, his other hand absent-mindedly searching the box for one of Kazue's felt blocks, the baby loving it when his father would tease him and throw them gently within his grasp.

His body stilled when fingertips brushed against a hard furry round object, his mind spinning as he tried to come up with what he had forgotten in the bottom of the box. Pulling the objet out, cobalt eyes widened as he realized that he was tugging on a teddy bear's ear, the white coloured fur soft and its eyes black beads, the red bow around its neck streaked with gold.

"_I'm home."_

"_Hey," an equally tired voice replied to Kanda's announcement, the voice drifting from the living room to the front door where the Japanese was hanging up his coat and stowing away his boots._

"_You sound as tired as I am," Kanda told him walking towards the spacious room, his eyes seeing Allen slumped on the couch, his head touching the backrest as he adjusted to comfort his baby, "and you didn't have to give over two hundred students midterms coupled with at least sixteen mental breakdowns from tired eighteen-year-old girls."_

"_I'm exhausted," the younger conceded, silver eyes following as Kanda took a seat next him on the couch, "it was so busy, everyone just kept coming and going and talking and laughing and insisting that_ I _talk and laugh and-," Allen sighed, body adjusting to lean his head on Kanda chest while the elder did the same, the two of them now lying on the couch almost flat had it not been for Kanda's back up against the arm rest, "I'm just tired."_

_Allen felt more than heard the deep chuckle escape from Kanda's lips, the low rumbling comforting to the pregnant man._

"_Is that so?" Kanda teased, "I didn't know baby showers were so tiring."_

_Allen lightly swung at his head but missed, Kanda avoiding it easily while he looked out at the immaculate living room, not a trace of crumbs, wrapping paper or bows to be found._

"_Though I guess they would be," he mused, "if the person who was pregnant had to clean up the mess."_

_Kanda felt Allen flinch at his words, a small sigh passing his lip as he knew he'd hit the mark._

"_Moyashi," Kanda groaned, "I thought I'd told you, _I'll _clean up when I get home."_

"_But," Allen protested, "I didn't want to make you come home and do more work after your already busy day!"_

"_Doesn't matter," the Japanese snapped, "I missed the shower anyway, it's only fair."_

_Allen pouted but said nothing his ears listening to the sound of his lover's heart beat strongly in his chest._

"_So," Kanda pressed, "how was it?"_

_Allen looked up into Kanda's cobalt eyes, "it was actually really great," he smiled, "everyone brought over some sort of sweet pastry and we had tea and the baby got a _lot _of presents and we all had fun laughing and telling stories and everyone patted my stomach like a million times, _each_."_

"_Sorry I missed it," the elder smiled, "so what did the baby get."_

"_Well," Allen started, his fingers raised as he numbered off the presents, "Lenalee got him this adorable pair of pajamas with matching booties, Lavi had gone to get him these sort of soft felt coloured cube things, Road got him a patch-work blanket that she sewed herself which actually doesn't look too bad, Tyki gave him a sort of activity gym, Komui bought him a little winter outfit with mitts and everything, Johnny gave him this little lamp thing that makes it look like you're under the sea when you turn it on, Tiedoll, Marie and Daisya all chipped in together to get the kid a _huge _stuffed bear and even Cross sent him something."_

"_Really?" Kanda asked, "just what exactly did he give the baby?"_

_Allen laughed, "surprising, something appropriate," shuffling through the bag beside him, Allen pulled out a small outfit, "he got him a suit with a matching tie."_

_Kanda snorted with laughter at the sight of it, the clothing too precious to be taken seriously._

"_That's not even the best part," his lover grinned, "he said that it was for whenever he takes the baby out to help him pick up women."_

"_Like _hell _I'm letting that man take my child out," Kanda tried to snap, the smile still on his face making it impossible for him to be mad for too long._

"_True enough," Allen agreed, "but we could use it to at least take him out to one of your faculty dinners."_

"_Hm," Kanda murmured, his nose buried in his lover's white hair, "Oh, that reminds me," Allen looked over in confusion as Kanda shuffled around in his laptop bag, his hand retrieving two packages, one long and rectangular while the other only a little flatter than the first, "the large one is from Bak and his science nerds and the small one is from Reever, all of which apologize for not being able to come."_

"_Oh, thank you," Allen smiled, taking the wrapped presents gently in his hands, the large one place to the side as Allen undid the tissue paper on the small blue gift from the computers professor._

"_Wow," he breathed, his hand holding up a small stack of books, ranging from thick cardboard ones that incorporated touch to hardcovers with beautiful designs and pictures, "these are excellent!"_

_Kanda gently picked up one of the books, a painting of a man done in soft acrylic sat under a title._

"_Hans Christian Anderson hm?" _

"_We'll save that one until he's older," Allen told him as Kanda began flipping through the beautiful illustrations._

"_Why's that?"_

_The white-haired snorted, "have you ever read his stories?" he asked, "they're beautiful, but they can get pretty grim at times and not all of them are 'true' happy endings with a prince charming and everything is lovey-dovey."_

"_Fair point," his lover told him, slipping the book down at the foot of their couch, "what did Bak get him?"_

"_Impatient are we?" Allen chastised lightly, grabbing the long green box from him, the lime coloured wrapping paper tossed unceremoniously into the small pile he had mate with the light blue tissue paper. "It appears to be a giant puzzle," he observed, the box held in his hands displaying a picture of a small white kitten, fluffy ears and tail erect, blue eyes looking at the small flower off at the edge of the photo, "how sweet."_

"_And this is from me."_

_Allen looked up from the puzzle to see a beautiful white bear looking down at him, the small smile stitched into its features and beady eyes looking down at him, the whole ensemble coupled with the red bow gave off an air of comfort and happiness._

"_Oh Yuu," Allen breathed gently placing the puzzle down and reaching his mismatched hand up to intertwine them in the soft fur, silver eyes never once leaving the bear._

"_I saw it coming home one day and thought it was fitting for the baby," the Japanese confessed, his arms wrapping around Allen as his nose buried into the soft white hair, a small dusting of red on his cheeks as he watched Allen stare at the toy in awe, the fear that the toy would be discarded ebbing away as gentle hands played with the fur "do you like it?"_

"_It's perfect," Allen smiled, tears blooming into his eyes as he felt the animal's soft face and body, the head lolling unintentionally while it looked at the once slender man._

_An undamaged hand slowly pulled up the loose clothing of the pregnant man's shirt, the swollen belly protruding proudly as his hand ghosted over the developing fetus._

"_Do you like what your daddy bought for you," his sweet voice asked their growing child, the arms and head of the white bear gently placed over the stomach as if to give the babe a hug, the face resting with the eyes towards the parents._

_The pair sat in silence as both were content to be close together Kanda arms around Allen and threading his hair, the eyes looking lovingly at the large bump the bear was lying on, silver eyes mirroring his own. Slowly, both men watched as the bears head moved up for a brief second before resting back down on the stretched flesh._

_Allen was the first to react at the baby's antics, a laugh escaping his lips as the tears of joy let slip past his eyes and roll down his cheeks, "I'll take that as a yes."_

_Kanda cucked alongside him, his hand extending from Allen's hair to gently stroke the stomach concealing his unborn child from the world, "so will I."_

"D-Da…"

Kanda's head jerked up to see his son use what little arm strength he hand in him, push off the ground and lift his small torso off the ground only to flop back down to the ground once more, Kanda's eyes wide at what he thought he just heard and what he was witnessing as his baby boy tried once more to flip himself over, this time using his head and neck muscles as he successfully came to a mini-push-up position, his face a mirror of his fathers as he appeared shocked at his new vantage point, the small strength in his arms holding his upper body and neck as he looked around, silver eyes finding is father's cobalt ones, a huge grin breaking out at the face the man made.

"D-Da-da."

The shock on Kanda's face only increased as what he thought was incoherent babble turned in comprehensible words that sounded like-

_Dada._

The Japanese shook his head of those thoughts; the doctor had told him on their most recent visit that his son might start talking at four months, but he wouldn't be able to make the connections from words to object, so the talk would be meaningless, Kanda refused to let hope get the better of him and have it destroy him all over again.

"G-good job," the man managed to choke out, deliberately ignoring the boy's babbled speech, "you turned over."

The small cheeks broke out into a wide grin once more, a small arm taking the entire weight of his small frame as a hand made a gripping motion towards his father.

"Da-da," the small child continually said laughing, his hand still reaching for his father, tears slipping into Kanda's eyes as he felt the sliver of hope worm its way into him as his son waved his arm in his direction.

"Wh-what did you-"

Kanda stopped asking when the arm holding the boy up slipped and had had him hit the floor with a soft grunt, the baby seemingly shocked that he had fallen, the little lungs seeming to have the wind knocked out of them.

His father reached towards him, fear pulsing in his veins that his little baby boy had hurt himself in some way, the little bear remained in his hand as it was used as a prop for him to lean his body over. Long fingers halted as he heard no tearful sound pass his son's lips, the little boy silent as he retracted his hand from reaching for his father, the arm curling under his body as the same on his other side, the undeveloped muscles pushing up from the large blanket, the babe grunting at the exertion.

Strong hands slid under the baby's armpits, the small child hoisted gently towards his father, the look of confusion slipping into one of pure joy as the child recognized his father's soft smile, the tears in his eyes were ones of happiness, something the boy could just tell was because of him.

"You're his son through and through," he murmured, "he never gave up either."

"Da," the boy giggled happily, his hands finding the sloth of his father's sleeping shirt, the word making his father laugh, the smile growing slightly wider at his son.

"Da,da,da," words came faster now, the boy repeating it over and over again as he watched with laughing silver eyes as the word seemed to make the man happier.

"I don't know if you're saying that because you know who I am," Kanda told his baby softy, "or if you're just saying but right now," the small baby was shuffled around in his arms so the black head rested on his shoulder, "I don't care, it just makes me happy."

A hand placed gently on the back of his son's head tenderly, his other arm keeping the baby to his body, cobalt eyes closing as he disregarded everything that he used to be and granted himself a few moments of ignorant bliss, his little boy snuggled in the crook of his neck.

"Ma."

His eyes opened in shock as he craned his neck to look as his son, the silver eyes were looking up and over the broad shoulder to the table next to the couch, his small arm extending to the sparse table top, the other arm using his father's collarbone as leverage. Cobalt eyes followed the direction of the arms reach, his mouth hanging open slightly in shock as he quickly deduced what his son was reaching for, who he was calling for.

Releasing the boy's head, Kanda silently reached past his son and grabbed the silver picture frame, his son's silver eyes following his father's hand as it retracted slowly towards the two of them, the smiling face from the glass mirroring the silver eyes as his father held out the picture of his beloved to his son.

A tiny hand reached out and touched the happy man, the baby's face calm with lips slightly parted as he began to gently tap the white hair Allen sported, mercury meeting mercury before the boy tore himself away and stared up at his father, the man keeping his emotions in check as he watched his son play with Allen's picture, his throat thickening unintentionally.

"Ma," the boy said again looking directly at his father, hand tapping the picture as he spoke, his father sniffing slightly while he took deep breaths to steady himself.

"Yeah," he told his boy, his own thumb stroking the edge of Allen's cheek, "that's your mama."


	3. Crawling

**Ha Ha! got it updated, sorry about the really long wait for this one, but (and I know this is shallow) this isn't one of my more popular stories, but I do try. I am working on other Yullen, I haven't forgotten you, but I'm dealing with the loss of my dog and work does keep my mind off of it, it still hurts**

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Smooth wheels rolled down the halls, the dark wood paneled floors never stopping or slowing as the disabled man made his way to his son's room. About two weeks after the speaking incident, Kanda had figured that his son was growing up and would need his own room, not to mention the doctor had pointed out that while it was necessary for the man to care for his child, having the boy continually sleep in his room would possibly create massive separation anxiety, though for which one he did not specify.

The first week or so of the transition had been absolute torture for Kanda. Kazue, while normally a very quiet and happy boy, wailed during the night when he could not find his father, the small child latching onto him at every given opportunity he could find, the small fists spinning and feet kicking whenever Kanda tried to put the boy to bed. What killed Kanda the most was the look in his son's silver eyes, the rejection Kanda assumed the boy felt wasn't the most prevalent thing gleaming in the tearing eyes; it was guilt.

The boy felt guilty over nothing, choosing to believe that this was his punishment for any wrong-doings. Unfortunately, his father had no means of telling the boy that his small son wasn't being punished, but that his father was trying to let his child grow up. Thankfully, the boy came to realize that, should he cry, his father, albeit slower than his liking, would come for him and cradle him, shushing the small boy and telling him that he was simply down the hall, though he doubted the boy could understand that.

Gently, Kanda pushed open the door to the small bedroom, the light blue walls welcoming to the father as he looked over at his son, a small smile forming on his lips when he saw the baby boy sitting up, his tiny fist on the bars as he looked over at the approaching man, a smile that now included one or two budding white teeth flashed in his direction. Kanda returned with his soft smile; about three weeks prior, his baby had started sitting up on his own and, after many tumbles and falls, he finally managed to support himself on his leaning arms, much to his and his father's amusement.

Lowering the bar, strong arms reached in and picked up his boy, the child curling his fists into his shirt and snuggling closer to his father, a hand staying around his body to hold him in place. Using one hand effectively, Kanda glided the two of them over to the comfortable wooden rocking chair, the strength of his abs and arms alone managed to lift him to the chair, his son giggling as he was lifted up with his father.

"Hungry?" Kanda asked gently, is body reaching over his son to fetch a small cup of applesauce and spoon, the boy grinning opened mouthed at the thought of his breakfast, the eagerness in his son enough to make Kanda chuckle softly. "All right then, say _ahh_."

A small sound escaped the boys lip as he leaned towards the treat, his father moving the lime green spoon to his open mouth, the sauce dribbling down the his chin as he laughed while simultaneously eating, his father spooning the escaping breakfast with the empty spoon, the smile on his own face coupled with soft laughter.

"_Hey, Kanda…"_

"_Hm?"_

"_Could you get me something to eat?"_

_Cobalt eyes looked towards the figure under the covers, his skin paler than usual and his nose a slight red, tissues stuffed into the trash can by the side of his bed._

_The head of long dark hair nodded as he stood from his desk, the laptop lid closing before his long legs carried him to the door._

"_What do you want?"_

"_Something that doesn't hurt my throat," Allen groaned slightly, "and something tasty and healthy."_

_The Japanese nodded once more before leaving the sick man to his coughing, Allen doubling over as he felt his lungs heave in the process, his hand coming to cover his belly, the faint bump trailing beneath his fingers. The pregnant man groaned, his bout of morning sickness had since ended and then he had to go catch himself a cold. His doctor told him that it was nothing to worry about, just for him to get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids, something Kanda had made his sole mission in life, taking a few days off work to care for the sick man much to Allen's protest._

"_I'm sorry," he had murmured to his baby, "I didn't mean to get sick, I'll get better fast, I promise."_

"_Damn straight."_

_Silver eyes met Kanda's while the elder walked back into the room, a tray of hot soup and a mug of tea balanced gently on it as he made his way over to Allen's bedside._

"_Here," he murmured, sliding the tray on the bedside table, "some chicken soup and tea with honey in it, finish them both."_

"_Thank you," Allen sighed, struggling to raise himself up, Kanda helping to prop the pillows behind his head and pull the comforter to cover the man's midsection._

_The silver-eyes smiled up at his lover, his aching body reaching for the bowl of soup, his face trying not to show the pain he felt._

"_If it hurts you," Kanda told him, taking the steaming bowl out of his reach and stirring it with long fingers, "just tell me."_

_Allen's fingers retracted as the Japanese dipped the spoon into the broth, his hand cupping beneath it before he passed it to the bed-ridden boy, the pregnant man smiling softly before opening his mouth at taking the mouthful, the liquid soothing as it slid past his throat._

The doorbell rang through the house, startling Kanda out of his memories and the baby out of his breakfast. Swiftly, Kazue was lowered back to his crib where the boy promptly started whimpering, his father's heart breaking at the sound but tried to assure him, the boy beginning to cry as Kanda wheeled out of the room towards the front door.

"Hey Kanda," Lenalee smiled as the door was opened, her bob haircut hugging around her cheeks, "how have you been?"

"Alright," the other murmured, "considering."

"Yeah," she sighed softly, the other wheeled aside to let her into the house, "so where's Kazue?"

"He's-"

His words were cut off by a loud scream from the baby's bedroom, Kanda turning from his friend to the room.

"He's there," the Japanese finished, "I'll go get him-"

"Don't worry," Lenalee smiled, "I'll go get him and bring him to the living room?"

"Sure," Kanda murmured, "did you want tea?"

"Yes please," her voice carried from the room, Kanda moving from the front hall to the baby's room, the child still crying as the young woman lifting him, her face confused as she tried to quiet the child.

"He wants his bear," Kanda informed her, his hands folded neatly in his lap, his head gesturing to the white bear that sat in the corner of his crib, the child reaching for the stuffed animal.

"And you," Lenalee sighed as she bent down for the animal, the boy's silver eyes looking over her shoulder at his father, the chubby arm reaching for him.

"I'll get the tea," the Japanese murmured, turning from the sight to the kitchen, his heart tugging as he felt guilt wash over him.

It only took a few minutes for the kettle to boil and their tea to steep, the tray balanced on his chair before he took to the living room, the child still whimpering as Lenalee tried to make him feel better, her purple eyes relaxing as she saw Kanda approaching.

"Finally," she sighed, the boy's whimpering softening at the sight of his father, "he only calms down when _you're _here."

"That's what worries me," Kanda confessed as she took the tray off the arm rest one cup handed to him while she took the other, "the separation anxiety isn't just bad for him, it's torture for me."

"Everyone gets like that," Lenalee told him softly, "that's what the books say anyway."

"I suppose," the father sighed, his hands reaching for his son, the tiny hands reaching for him.

"So," the young woman smiled as she gulped down some of her tea, "why did you call me over here?"

"This," Kanda gestured to his son, the crippled man having lowered himself to the carpeted floor for his son, the boy looking around in the man's arms, his legs wobbling slightly as he pushed himself off the man. "He's trying to crawl," the man told her softly, "and…since I can't...I need someone who can to help him."

"Ah," Lenalee sighed, looking from Kanda to Kazue, "alright, I guess I can help."

Kanda nodded as the cup was put onto the bedside table, the young woman standing over the boy and his father, the child looking up curiously at her.

"Come here," the young woman cooed, her arms outstretched and her face smiling, the boy turning to her, his own face lighting up, "come here Kazue, come to Auntie Lenalee."

Kanda watched with pride as his son tried to move towards his "Auntie Lenalee"; the boy had already begun to use his legs to shuffle forward when his father was ever out of reach, Kanda feeling both pride and guilt as the small boy, pride for the boy growing up and guilt for his own immovability.

"No no sweetie, come here-"

Kanda looked up at the two of them only to see a small boy snuffling towards him, his smile bright and his voice laughing.

"No, go to Auntie Lenalee," his father told him, the boy ignoring him and laughing as he reached for Kanda.

"Da!"

The word had quickly become the boy's favorite word when he found out his father's reaction to it, Kazue learning quickly that whenever he said it, his father would come quickly or smile down at him lovingly; chubby hands raised to grab his father, Kanda responding by slowly reaching for his son.

"Good job," his father smiled, "now, go to Lenalee."

The pair spent a good hour trying to get the boy to crawl over to Lenalee; after several unsuccessful attempts, it was Lenalee who decided to take the boy away from his father and place him a safe distance away, the boy whining before she placed him on the ground, Kazue pushing his small body over to the man he loved more than anything in the world.

"He's getting faster," the young woman commented smiling as the boy sped over to Kanda, his father smiling as he hoisted the now tired babe into his arms.

"He's improving," Kanda commented softly, "he just doesn't give up."

"Allen never did," Lenalee murmured, her friend nodding slowly.

"_Just one more time!"_

"_No!"_

_Allen looked over at Kanda, his lip stuck out in a pout before he turned back to the white gold-trimmed piano._

"_Please?" the white-haired man asked, "let me try just once more and _then _we'll get going."_

"_Our dinner reservation is for six," the Japanese pointed out, "we're going to be late!"_

"_Fine, I'll be fast!" Allen announced, Kanda groaning as the young man turned back to the ivory key, the young man extending his reach as a result of his child growing steadily in the womb._

_The music was slow and melodious to start out before the young musician began to increase the tempo and play quicker, his body growing more comfortable with the music and resting easier. Kanda relaxed slightly as his lover reached the crescendo, his body leaning over as he reached out to both ends of the piano, his lips smiling before the cluster of keys in the middle suddenly made an unwanted sound, Allen groaning as his head hit the center keys._

"_Why," the young man groaned, his hand running over his swollen belly, "I love you so much, why do you wanna make me not work?"_

"_Just wait until it's out of you," Kanda chuckle as he stepped behind his lover, arms encircling him, "then you'll never get a moments peace or rest."_

"_I know," Allen sighed, "but still~"_

"_Let's just go get dinner," the Japanese murmured, softly, "I'm sure the bad baby is hungry."_

"_Yes he is," the white-haired man murmured, "and I am too."_

"_Then hurry up and get ready."_

"_But Kanda-"_

"_No buts," the other told him sternly while Allen pouted._

"_But I don't want to quit," the pregnant man told him softly, his shoulders sagging slightly while Kanda sighed._

"_Then don't think of it as quitting," his lover whispered quietly, "think of it as taking a small break."_

"_But you hate me playing piano at night…"_

"_If it'll get me to dinner," Kanda murmured, "then you can play that damn thing all night long."_

_Allen laughed at his lover's statement, his hands running over their developing baby._

"_Alright then," he agreed smiling, "I'll take a little break."_

"Da."

Kanda looked at the small infant on his hands, the boy's mass of dark hair against his father's chest, his silver eyes tired-looking.

"Come on," the dark-haired father murmured softly, his other arm lifting his body and his son up off the floor to the couch, his hands reaching for his chair, "you're tired, right Kazue? Let's take a little break."

"Kanda, are you sure-"

"It's alright Lenalee," her friend replied softly, his body settled into his chair, while his hands ran soothing circles on the boy's back, the white bear laced on his lap, "I'll put him down for his nap, it's about time for it anyway."

"Then let me help," she smiled as she stood behind him, her hands on the back of his chair, cobalt eyes looking up at her before he smiled softly, his eyes turning back to the babe falling slowly asleep in his arms.

"Thanks," Kanda murmured, his heart content for the time being to focus on his son and not his disability, Kanda determined to find more moments like these; the small boy in his arms was the most precious thing to Allen, which made loving him and making him happy Kanda's most dedicated and difficult task.

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**So...lemme know ^^**


	4. First Year

**This story isn't one of my more popular ones, but it's one of my personal favorites so for those of you that like it, thank you ^^**

**Sorry about the lack of updates, life gets pretty crazy sometimes.**

**Please enjoy.**

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"Kazue! Stop squirming!"

His baby boy shook his head as he seemed to whimper in protest, his arms flailing as Kanda tried to get him in the white dress shirt Cross had gotten him before he was even born, a deep sigh escaping the man's lips. The boy's day had been spent tearing colorful wrapping from presents with a beaming smile on his face before he was treated to a small slice of chocolate cake, everyone he knew singing in unison before he clapped along with them, the candle on his cake blown out by some helpful third party before he dug through it with his fingers, his cheeks quickly covered in the dark brown flecks, much to the adults amusement.

Now, most likely filled with sugar, Kazue was squirming against his father's valiant efforts to fit into the only slightly too large suit, Kanda gritting his teeth in frustration as he wished for patience on today of all days.

"Kazue," the elder tried in an attempt to reason with the now one-year-old, "please, I know it's _your _day, but just give me these two hours."

"You know it's impossible to reason with a baby."

Cobalt eyes turned to meet the bespectacled brown eyes of the red head, his own body already clad in one of his many fine Italian suits, his fingers twitching in their need to fill the addiction.

"I'm already aware of that," Kanda retorted, "but it gives me _some _semblance of being diplomatic, and if you even _dare _light up around my son Cross I will cram that damn thing so far down your throat they'll see it in your colonoscopy."

"Tough talk from a man who can't even _reach_ my throat," Cross pointed out, "but don't worry, I'm not about to hurt the little tyke… even though it's beginning to kill me."

"Wish it would hurry up," the Japanese muttered as he finally affixed the last button on the small jacket, the little boy now looking incredibly smart in his suit, "done."

"You forgot the tie," the redhead pointed out as Kazue was hoisted into his father's lap.

"A diaper change, two incidences of the clothes being kicked across the room and over an hour to get this thing on him," Kanda pointed out smartly, "you want the tie on him, _you're _doing it."

"Fine," the man grumbled as he moved aside for Kanda to slip out of the room, "he's as fussy as the boy was."

"He wasn't that bad," Kanda murmured as he adjusted the baby in his arms, "but he had his moments."

"_I've got nothing to wear!"_

_Kanda sighed deeply as he turned his head to the closet, the light from it illuminating Allen form as he dug through his hangers._

"_Nothing fits!" the younger whined, "Kanda~ _why _doesn't anything fit?"_

"_Not a clue," the Japanese commented, "might have something to do with our child, but that's just a guess."_

_Allen groaned dramatically as he walked over to the bed where Kanda lay propped up, the back of his knees hitting the bed before he collapsed onto it, his white locks spilling on the mattress while his pouting silver eyes and lips looked up at Kanda._

"_I'm fat."_

_Cobalt eyes glanced up from the laptop screen to look over his lover, the young man now at seventeen weeks and growing, his belly stretching to accommodate their child._

"_You're not fat just pregnant," Kanda grumbled as he typed in the grade of his students, hoping that the younger would just drop the matter entirely._

"_What's the different?" Allen muttered bitterly causing his partner to sigh._

"_Hormones."_

_White hair lifted to look at his lover._

"_Are you calling me hormonal?"_

"_You _are_ overreacting," Kanda pointed out, "and don't you _dare _say otherwise."_

"_You didn't seem to mind my hormones last night," Allen pointed out bitterly, his lover flinching at the trueness of his words, his jaw set as the previous night came to him, the younger riding him with a look of pure ecstasy._

"_That's because they weren't freaking out about what they fit into," the Japanese snapped, "you haven't fit into your normal clothes since half-way through the first trimester, just walk around wearing sweats for a day!"_

"_I do! _Every day!_" the younger pointed out, sitting up to glare pointedly at his lover, "and you're just being-"_

_Silver eyes suddenly flung wide as his words hung in the air, Kanda feeling worry slip into him as the younger turned his attention to his belly, his hands slipping under his shirt to touch the flesh that concealed their unborn child._

_Before the Japanese could say a word, his hand was taken and placed where Allen's was, his long fingers covered by Allen's as the silver eyes stared down at the swollen belly, Kanda's own eyes confused before they widened dramatically, the feeling of something akin to a scuttling bug moving across the palm of his hand. His laptop moved aside, Kanda slipped both of his hands over his baby, his cobalt eyes glued to the stomach as he waited for the next movement, his heart lifting at the feeling._

"_Th-The baby," Allen murmured, tears in his eyes as he smiled at his lover, "the baby's kicking."_

"_I can feel it too," Kanda smiled back at the other, "I can feel him moving."_

"In you get," the Japanese murmured to the still squirming boy, the child buckled in the car seat Cross had put in his car, one of the many the boy had ridden in as his friends insisted on helping him, something Kanda had ceased to complain about, "and keep calm okay."

"I told you, babies can't be reasoned with" Cross muttered from the driver's seat, Kanda's chair folded and slipped to the trunk while he struggle to sit beside his son, his belt clicked over his body.

"Allen had no trouble with you," Kanda muttered as he turned to his son, a smile on his lips as the child reached for him, his mouth chewing on the ear of his white bear.

"Gonna forget you said that," the man grumbled as he turned down the road, his eyes focused on their destination while Kanda focused on his son, the boy's silver eyes glancing from him to the flashing colours of the scenery, the father thankful that Cross kept his driving as safe as possible. "So," Cross started, trying to keep the conversation between them as light as possible, "what are you both doing for Christmas?"

"Lenalee is insisting we hold some sort of party at our house since it's Kazue's first real one," Kanda murmured softly, his hand reaching to touch the fine black strands, "I… didn't do much that year."

Cross nodded solemnly, understanding the difficulty for this time of year for the younger man, his own emotions in turmoil. Coupled with the fact that Christmas was also Allen's birthday, Kanda had spent the joyous day caring for his little boy in an attempt to forget the pain that happened twenty-three days ago, the boy pressed to his chest as he tried to convince himself that he was fine, a lie found in the tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Well... if you want," the elder started, "I… wouldn't mind… giving you a hand."

"Excuse me?" Kanda asked softly, his face one of disbelief at the man's words while the ears turned the same colour of the hair.

"The kid's Allen's, and since he was sort of like family, that makes the kid sort of like family too."

"_You_ want to help give Kazue a Christmas?"

"Ya don't need to say it like _that!"_ Cross snapped, "but… I owe Allen… I wanna do right by his son."

Kanda nodded slowly as he turned his cobalt eyes from the back of red hair to his baby boy, the silver watching with keen interest at the snow covered tree tops before he felt his father's attention on him, the teddy bear ear still in his mouth as he turned to look up at the most important person to him, a smile breaking out on his chubby cheeks.

"What do you think, Kazue?" Kanda asked softly, "want everyone to come over soon and have a day like today? Nothing but presents and food and friends?"

The boy giggled, his father catching the bear before it landed on the filthy ground, his tiny hands clapping in amusement.

"Then I guess that's a yes," Kanda murmured softly to Cross, "_provided_ you're sober and-"

"No booze and no smokes," the elder sighed, "trying to kill me?"

The Japanese choose to say nothing as he focused on his baby, knowing that he was not the only one to suffer in the aftermath of Allen's death. Lenalee cried for longer than he did, Lavi lost his joker nature for the longest time, Tyki seemed to do nothing but smoke and work, and Kanda suspected that, even though he called the younger a pain in the ass and nothing but an annoyance, Cross must've missed Allen terribly.

"You can drink," Kanda conceded after a moment, "but do _not _get drunk."

"Then what's the point?" the elder muttered under his breath as he turned into the parking lot, his car pulling to a stop beside the Lee's, Kanda thankful that the tires on his chair wouldn't get stuck in the snow as Cross had parked his tires on the empty spot of asphalt.

His chair unfolded and lowered to the ground as he almost expertly hoisted his body to the seat, the door shut before he made to his son's side, confusion in his eyes as he saw Cross approach him with Kazue and his bear in his arms, the man looking as he usually did as he handed off the son to his father, the puffy blue coat over his small jacket, the boy taking his place on the man's lap. A quick thanks was murmured to the man before two hands took the handles of his chair, his surprised cobalt turning to look up at Cross before he turned back down to his son, his pride swallowed for the safety of his treasure, his hands free thanks to the man pushing him down the path, the salt crunching beneath the tires as his son looked around with a keen interest at the white powder he loved to play in, his "Uncle Lavi" taking him in his father's stead while the Japanese sat and watched with envy nipping in his heart, wishing that it was Allen laughing with their child and him taking his rightful place at their side.

"Hello again, Kanda."

The Japanese looked up from his thoughts to see Tyki's golden eyes looking back at him, a soft smile on his lips for the boy.

"And Happy Birthday to you again, Kazue," the man smiled as he leaned down to the child, the boy looking his dark skin over with childish curiosity, "it's nice to have something good come out of today."

"We can take him from here Cross," the second redhead cut in, approaching the four from the side, "you must be dying for a smoke."

"It's fine," the man grumbled, "don't really feel like doing much of that now."

The other two were silent as they nodded their heads, the boy pressed to his father's chest unintentionally, the child saying nothing as he snuggled happily against Kanda, the Japanese looking downcast at the uncontrolled memories.

Their walk was calm as the four made their way to the pier, the managing of Kanda's wheelchair into the rental boat easier than expected as he brought his collapsible one, him and his babe at the starboard side of the bow, the Japanese holding onto him tightly for his irrational fear of losing his child to the lake, Kazue knowing to stay well within his father's arms. Tyki was careful with the handling as he took the small troop out to the open water, the hills surrounding them as they carefully navigated to the open water, the engine killed before the group weighed anchor, Lenalee walking through them, her shaking hands distributing white roses to everyone, Kanda accepting both for him and his son with a small nod.

Their memorial was swift yet heart-felt, several breaking down in tears giving their speeches and others said nothing more than "I miss you", breaths puffs of white in the air as each rose thrown to the water for the one they lost, Kanda watching them float as he felt his own heart constrict. The others nodded to him once they said their piece, everyone slipping below deck to give the two of them time alone, Kanda grateful that they understood he was not one for public speeches.

"Those are for your mother," Kanda murmured softly to his son, the silver eyes looking from the floating flowers to his father, his cheek resting on the elder's shoulder, "we… we scattered his ashes here… he loved it here…"

"_Hey, Kanda?"_

_Cobalt eyes looked down at the younger resting on his chest, the silver eyes looking towards the starry sky with a calm expression._

"_What is it, Moyashi?"_

"_We've been officially dating a month," Allen smirked, "and you _still _won't call me by my name?"_

"_I know your name, it's Moyashi."_

"_Fine then," the younger sighed, his back adjusting on the grass, "but… I'm being serious."_

"_What is it?"_

"_It's just that… when I die," Allen swallowed thickly, "I want you to cremate me, I don't want to be buried."_

"_Why are you asking me this?" Kanda asked, confusion on his brow._

"_Because I feel like I can trust you about this sort of thing," the younger confessed, "and I don't want to be buried."_

"_Why not?"_

"_I don't want to be left alone in a dark box for eternity," Allen murmured softly, "I just… don't want that."_

"_So… where do you want to be then?" Kanda asked suddenly, "since you don't want to be in a box for eternity."_

"_Dunno," the younger replied, touched b the other's thoughtfulness, his eyes scanning the stars, "how about here?"_

"_Why here?" the Japanese asked as Allen adjusted his body to look down a Kanda, a teasing smile on his lips before he pressed them to Kanda's, the cobalt eyes widening in surprise._

"_Cause this is where we had our first kiss."_

"We were thinking of coming back here, renting out the cabin again, when you were born," the Japanese swallowed thickly, "he was really looking forward to coming back," his hand rubbed against the small back, his hands giving the rose he had plucked the thorns from to his little boy, the child looking it over with interest. "Think about your mother," Kanda whispered softly as he turned to look over the edge of the boat, "and throw it to him," his eyes looked to his son, "ready? One, two… three."

Both roses fell silently to the water, their stems crossing as they seemed to float in harmony, Kanda watching with saddened eyes as he rubbed his son's back.

"I miss you Allen," Kanda whispered softly, "this last year has been hell without you," his eyes looked at their child, the silver affixed to the water, "Kazue misses you too… he's still a baby, but he knows who you are, I won't ever let him forget you."

"None of us will."

Kanda looked up at Lenalee, her purple eyes puffy and red, tears still pricking at them while she handed him a flute of bubbling champagne.

"It's for Kazue," she murmured as the Japanese accepted it, "to celebrate him… and out of respect for Allen."

"Thank you," Kanda murmured as he accepted the glass, a tiny hand reaching for the lip of it, the Japanese chuckling at the baby's curiosity. "No no, this is for daddy," the elder told his son, his lips pressed against the crown of black hair, the tiny hands touching the strong jaw, "that's for you. Happy Birthday, Kazue."

"Happy Birthday," the rest of the crew chorused, their glasses raised to toast to the little boy, a silent toast to his mother as the boy seemed to smile at the adults around him, his happy silver eyes purely Allen.

* * *

"Come here Kazue."

The baby felt his body lowered to his father's lap as Kanda gently placed the baby thermometer in the child's ear, his heart feeling relief wash over him at the sight of a normal temperature.

"Good," Kanda whispered softly as the thermometer was put by his bedside, "I was worried about you."

The baby leaned against his chest as fatigue slowly overtook him after the tiring and exciting day, his lids drooping dangerously as a hand rubbed his back.

"I thought you'd been outside for too long," his father whispered, a soft smile on his lips, "then again, Lavi started complaining well before you did."

"Da…"

Long silken locks slipped over his shoulder as the head tilted to look at his growing son, pride filling him at the developments the two of them had taken over the year, happiness filing him at how strong his little boy was becoming, worry slipping into him as he remembered that his son was still not yet walking, something he blamed on himself.

"I'm gonna get your aunts and uncles to come over more often," the Japanese whispered softly, "they'll teach you how to walk, how does that sound?"

The baby cooed softly at the words, his hands holding onto his father's soft cotton pyjama shirt.

"You want to sleep with me?" Kanda asked softly, his hand touching the downy locks of his son, a smile on his lips as the child seemed to nod in understanding, "just for tonight," the Japanese murmured softly as he adjusted under the covers with his son still in his arms, the boy brought to his father's chest as they readied for sleep, "happy birthday, Kazue," his lips pressing to the forehead, Kanda kissing his son, "that's from me," he smiled before he kissed a second time, "and that's from your mother."

* * *

**Reviews if you please ^^**


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